ARTICLES OF INTEREST
• I just want it over!
• What do you do with a dead raccoon?
"I JUST WANT IT OVER"
A misunderstanding escalates into an argument. An argument intensifies into a dispute. A dispute crescendos into a conflict. A conflict explodes into a fight, a fight filled with hurt, pain, fear, and anger. There may even be a deep well of sadness.At some point in life each of us is going to have times when this escalation has painted us into a corner and we do not know where to turn. We are trapped by the positions we have taken. We are also trapped by the positions the other has taken. The fight is nearing the point of being set in concrete, the point when nothing can move or change. It is at this point, that our society says, "Take him to court." It often appears that divorce is the only alternative.
As ridiculous as it may sound to some, it might be better to talk more rather than going to court. This is counter-intuitive. "We have talked and look where it has gotten us!" The situation may be that the arguing has not been conducive to resolving the problem. It may be that the conversation has become so intense that neither can hear the other.
This escalation may take place in marriages and the intensity drives them to divorce. The past arguments are now a backlog of ammunition to hurt each other to get the best deal in the divorce. Moves and counter-moves are made to gain the best advantage. Tragically, the battle may use children as chess pieces in this game, couched in the words, "in the best interest of the children." The divorcing partners may not even recognize this attempt to win but it is nevertheless often present.
No matter how intense the emotions of divorce, most reach the point when they utter the words, "I just want it over." Anger, pain, and hurt are likely still present but weariness has arrived.
Anywhere in this process, an option for people caught in the pain of conflict is divorce mediation. It is the place to talk – with the help of someone who is not caught up in the past, who is not emotionally involved, and who is intensely interested in helping you work out an agreement.
Divorce mediation is truly the opportunity to fulfill the hope that "it can be over."
Article by Penney F. Nichols, Mediator West Valley Mediation Center - Dispute Resolution and Conflict Education Services for Glendale, Peoria, Surprise, Sun City, Avondale, Goodyear, Phoenix, Arizona
"WHAT TO DO WITH A DEAD RACCOON"
Several years ago, William Fisher and Roger Ury, (Getting to Yes) introduced the concept that interests are as important as issues in negotiations. Interests emphasize that negotiations take place in the context of people. While issues may define the negotiation, interests acknowledge that living, breathing men and women are the ones doing the negotiating and these people know why they want to obtain a particular negotiated settlement. It is imperative to know the numbers but it may be just as critical to know the motivations of the negotiators which led them to choose these particular numbers, the issues.This true story demonstrates the definition of an "interest" and an "issue."
Most people love their pets and some love their pets as they love their children. This was the case of a woman who had a raccoon for a pet. Her raccoon died as a result of age and illness and she wanted to take the carcass to a taxidermist. Her problem developed when she went to the veterinarian to pick up the body and discovered that it was not in the veterinarian's freezer where she had put it to be kept it until needed.
A company contracted by the veterinarian to collect dead animals had picked up the woman's pet and it had been disposed of by the firm. She remembered putting a "HOLD" sticker on the pet's body to inform the company to leave this body. She was now in court pressing a claim for several thousands of dollars against the company for the loss of her "pet."
What is the price of a dead raccoon? How does a judge determine value? What legal points could be made to address the claim? Is our legal system equipped to handle this case?
Rather than pursue the case through the court, the woman and the company accepted the invitation to enter into mediation.
During the course of the mediated conversation, the woman asked those in the room, "Would you like to see a picture?" She produced a picture showing the woman and a man in front of a Christmas tree with the raccoon sitting on a waist high table between them. Suddenly a new piece of information was now available. This was a family portrait! The woman considered her pet raccoon to literally be a part of the family. Then the lady asked the mediator, "Wouldn't you stuff your child if he died?" Challenging though it was, the mediator treated her question seriously.
The mediation had a happy ending because the case was not about money, though she was suing for money. It was about intense emotions. It was about attachments. It was even about a relationship. The company vice president grasped the true nature of the situation and took steps which acknowledged her loss. He understood. It was not about money. Nevertheless, he wrote her a personal check as a token expression of regret along with a letter of apology. He further stipulated that his company would provide "HOLD" stickers to all the veterinarian offices with which his company had a contract that would function in the zero degree environment of a freezer.
Of course litigation over a dead pet may be the exception rather than the rule. However, it demonstrates the strength of mediation. It has become the norm to believe that the way to solve a problem is with money. You hurt me – give me money. While money may be entirely appropriate to settle many problems, mediation often reveals that there are multiple ways in which a problem can be resolved. In this case, there was money involved in the resolution but it was merely a part of the larger picture. How can the interests of this lady be met in the most effective way that will satisfy her sense of loss? In her case an apology spoke more loudly than money.
A key advantage to conflict resolution through mediation is that many interests are often found in disagreements which are easily overlooked in litigation. Though mediation takes less time than litigation, it has more time to carefully address the interests as well as the issues of the individuals.
Without the option of dispute mediation, what would you have done with a dead raccoon?
Article by Penney F. Nichols, Mediator West Valley Mediation Center - Dispute Resolution and Conflict Education Services for Glendale, Peoria, Surprise, Sun City, Avondale, Goodyear, Phoenix, Arizona